I want to speak in code.

Whose language are you fluent in?

When you really truly know someone, your communication transcends language, time, and medium. You look at something impersonal and think, “is this for me? Is this mine?”

There is a telepathy that comes with loving. My best friend in high school came over as we got ready to leave for the night and my wardrobe occupied three whole closets. All she said to me was, “can I wear the shirt?” There was no previous understanding or conversation; I simply walked in my closet and knew exactly which one to pick up. It’s this revelation of I know this- I know you. These passing moments of connection are invaluable. It’s as if we are writing our own languages that will be loved and lost. No proof, no dig site for others to come across and translate. Only ours. 

Gracie Abrams explores this concept on her most recent album, The Secret of Us, in a song that is essentially a sequel to her biggest hit. Her breakthrough song is “I miss you, I’m sorry” and she talks about this failed relationship that is haunting her life. She presses on these encounters and apologizes and how she feels paralyzed in this part of her life. Now, four years later, she puts out “I love you, I’m sorry” and continues to feel this pull back to her past. She says in the outro , “I love you, I’m sorry. The way life goes. I want to speak in code. Hope that I don’t, won’t make it about me.” Her music is her art, and even with an audience of millions, this song is for one person. We can all sing along, we can learn the words, but this is a code that we may never fully decipher because it’s not meant for us. 

I’ve sent my fair share of smoke signals before. I’ve done the song on my story or in high school I made many targeted posts on my casual Instagram. I’m at the age now where I have a far deeper appreciation for the ways people are looking to connect in a digital age. 

I think many times, our public personas are love letters both to ourselves and the people closest to us. We often don’t care about any of the random watchers or consumers, we find ourselves hoping or searching for a select few. Yes, everyone can see it, but few will get what it means. As I am working on re-building my podcast and online presence, I think about how my usage of these messages has both evolved and matured. I do far more for solely my own enjoyment than I once did. I have a fascination with the way digital presences intertwine with real relationships. I love the intimacy and the privacy this gives for words that are often so public. The past few months I’ve spent a while hinting on my Instagram story that a second podcast is in the works, posting corner screen grabs, photos of mics, and planting the seeds that something else is in store. There are always messages for those willing to read them. 

This extends beyond code language in public spaces; the language that we build with our people is incredibly special. I think when we spend large amounts of time with one another, there’s a beauty in repeating the phrases we hear the other say. My friend group consists of many Australians who will say that they are “keen” when they’re interested in doing something. I’ve found myself using that word very often now. Mirroring and loving exist together. In a greater sense, I feel like a patchwork person carrying around parts of the people I’ve loved before. I make faces like my mom, I say I am keen for plans, I eat recipes old friends showed me, and so many parts of me have been born from my connections with others. How wonderful is it to carry these people with us? 

Knowing someone truly is an irreplaceable feeling. To be in public with them and to catch onto all of their cues, read them and not have to wait for their words, is poetry. Stolen glances, long pauses, and kicking under the table bring another dimension to communication. That look of acknowledgement that you both can understand something without it having to be said is indescribable and rare. 

I’ve learned to speak many languages and decipher codes and understand passing looks, as all of you have too. So I ask, who do you want to share those with? Whose language do you want to speak? Who can make you look back two times?